Author Topic: relationship humor  (Read 1870 times)

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Offline Platokidd

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relationship humor
« on: August 24, 2021, 09:16:13 PM »
My girlfriend accused me of cheating, so I broke up with her.

I can't trust a woman who spies on me.  :roll:
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Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2021, 09:17:30 PM »
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Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2021, 09:18:52 PM »
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Offline weather34

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2021, 03:04:41 AM »
husband

whenever i get mad at you ,you never seem to get angry, why?

wife

i just go and clean the toilet


husband

how does that help ?

wife

i use your toothbrush   :grin:

husband

 :shock:


Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2021, 04:52:37 AM »
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Offline Garth Bock

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2021, 07:09:27 AM »
My buddy sent a picture to me of his new girlfriend.
 The picture was titled.. My Future Last Wife
I texted back ... Funny she doesn't look homicidal.

I texted back... Remember.. marriage is an institution... Oh that's right you're been institutionalized 3 times... Haven't you been cured yet ?
He texted back... Is there a cure ?
I texted back.... Yes... It's called... Her Divorce Lawyer !


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« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 07:12:15 AM by Garth Bock »

Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2021, 10:38:52 PM »
My girlfriend accused me of cheating, so I broke up with her.

I can't trust a woman who spies on me.
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Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2021, 10:40:39 PM »


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

 
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Offline ocala

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2021, 08:33:38 AM »
 :grin: ∆∆∆∆∆∆
The blues had a baby and they named it Rock & Roll

Offline 92merc

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2021, 08:55:22 AM »
Marriage is grand.  Divorce is a hundred grand.
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Offline vreihen

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2021, 11:18:03 AM »
Why is it so expensive to get divorced?

Because it's worth it.

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Offline vreihen

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2021, 04:08:49 PM »
My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator, "It's not working.  I can't take it any more.  I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.  The light came on.  The beer was cold.  What the heck is she talking about?????
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Offline weather34

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2021, 10:52:10 AM »
A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf. In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” the man asks.

“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.

“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”

Offline Garth Bock

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2021, 03:00:04 PM »
I had a girlfriend that was kinda homely. She left me for my insurance man but it didn't work out. He wouldn't sleep with her unless she was completely covered...

Offline Garth Bock

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2021, 03:06:49 PM »

A man is allowed to have an opinion.... until he gets married.... then his wife will tell him what it is.

Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2021, 08:13:43 PM »
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Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2021, 08:10:25 PM »
My girlfriend gripes about me 'pushing her buttons'.

I don't care, I will keep on until I find the 'Mute'....
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Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2021, 07:26:31 PM »
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Offline Garth Bock

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2021, 07:57:51 PM »
I told her the spark had gone out of our relationship......so she tased me.

Offline Platokidd

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #19 on: December 17, 2021, 08:39:19 AM »
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Offline Aardvark

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2021, 12:25:35 PM »
Relative Humidity:   The sweat that runs down your back when you are doing it to your sister in law.

Truth be told,  that was some kid's answer on an Earth Science test question.   No,  he didn't get the credit, but I have always remembered it.

Offline Aardvark

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2021, 12:26:51 PM »
Samantha Cohen came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "David proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
"Marry him anyway,” Mrs. Cohen replied. “Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Offline Garth Bock

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2021, 12:37:02 PM »
A husband took his wife to a club. Out on the the dance floor was a guy dancing like crazy. His wife said 25 years ago that guy proposed to me and I turned him down. The husband said...looks like he is still celebrating.

Offline Aardvark

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2021, 01:47:00 PM »
.

Offline Aardvark

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Re: relationship humor
« Reply #24 on: December 17, 2021, 03:34:10 PM »
An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff...
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are
missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered,
"Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f**kin' ear.

 

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